So as you all know this is a topic that has been weighing on my mind for some time now. I don't even know if its blog worthy yet, but here it goes....
I've always considered myself a good friend. I'm a ride or die kind of chick. I've held onto alot of my friendships like I was stuck at sea and they were my lifesaver. But as I have been getting older, I've realized that people do change (which I am okay with), I just never thought our friendship dynamics would.
I'm all for personal growth. In fact I think I'm the advocate for personal growth. But as my friends and I have grown up, gone on different paths of life, started careers and life itself, we have drifted apart. I know I've tried to keep in touch (whether its by smsing, e-mailing, whatsapping, facebooking etc) but as I've gone through my personal challenges I've noticed with me stepping back and re-evaluating my friendships, I actually don't have as many friends as I thought (hell this blog itself is a testimony to that.)
My primary school friends were definitely a group of girls that I always thought we would be best friends forever. Yet even back then our dynamics shifted. I remember going from "Miss Popular" to being totally ostracized at one point. But the girls who really were my friends still continued to be my friend. When we went onto high school the group split because we all went onto different schools. High school for me was rough because everything changed. The schools that I went to were a whole other world compared to the primary school I went to. It was a HUGE reality check!! But myself and two of the girls did stay in contact. My one friend and I would write letters to each other every other week just to catch up and let each other know what was going on in our lives. The other girl and I would travel to school together and I would always go to her house. And although (until now) she never knew, she was my saving grace. Her family showed me so much love at a time in my life when everything was messed up.
But then I changed schools and we lost touch. But the other girl and I still stayed in contacted. When I started at my new school I became friends with a girl in my building and we started going to Youth together. She and I are still friends till today. We experienced ALOT in our teens. I then changed churches and some of the girls that went to my school went to that church. I am still friends with the one girl till today. Together we have experienced the up's and down's of life, marriage and now children. She is someone I can depend on no matter what. Social media has definitely helped keep those friendships alive and even rekindle another.
In my adulthood now, I haven't made many new friends. I have just learnt that NOT everyone I meet, or hang out with or even get to know is my friend. I have learned now that I have used the term friendship VERY loosely. Just because I have tried to be an open book, not everyone else is. I have been way too quick to open up to people and they have used my honesty as a weapon, as something to try and break me down. I mean I always thought that relationships (of any kind) were supposed to be based on honesty. But the world we live in is a cruel one. Lately I have experienced through so called friendship (I now know it couldn't have been friendship, a true friend would never act like that) hurt, jealousy, competitiveness, cruelty and hate.
The saying in life goes "You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends." And alot of the time we feel like our friends are our family. I will never look at or hear that saying the same again. I have always been that give it all or nothing kind of chick. But at this point and time in my life I just don't have time for the b.s. any more. I want to have meaningful friendships. I want my friends to drop me a line every now and then just to see how I'm doing without me having asked them how they are first. I don't want friendships just based on "nice times," "going out" and "just chilling." I'm looking for that kind of friendship whereby we can talk for hours or just sit in silence and we still have a good time. I want the kind of friendship where I have experienced the worst loss in my life and you know just what to say or do to make it feel alright. Where you can hear in the tone of my voice or message that I need a friend. I also need a friend that I know will be there for me no matter, through good times and bad. These are the kind of people I would like to surround myself with because this is the kind of friend I am.
Xoxo T.
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