With September just around the corner and with so many people I know being pregnant it has just brought to head the fact that I would've been having my baby any day now too.
Yes you read right, would've... I found out I was pregnant in January of this year. I was both excited and nervous. It was what we really wanted. We had a 5 year age gap plan. Everything was perfect.
The day I started bleeding I wasn't scared because I had been down that very same road with my first pregnancy and everything turned out to be okay. So I thought that this time it would be the same. Turns out that it wasn't.
I guess the "waiting" game was the hardest part of it all. There were so may blood tests, and going back and forth to hospital every second day. And all the while I was still going to work. No-one cared. No-one asked how we were doing or coping. No-one offered for me to go home. It was business as usual. I had to sit there and pretend everything was okay while a part of me was dying inside.
I never knew how badly you could hurt for someone you loved, who you had never met. I mean from the second those 2 little lines appeared, in my mind I fast forwarded 9 months to how life would be once he or she was here. And it was bliss...
The physical pain of going through a natural miscarriage is hectic. Nothing can prepare you for it. My husband had to hold on to me to get me through each excruciating pain. I could physically feel parts of my child falling out of me. It was the worst hell I had EVER been through.
Till today we have not told many people. I have never wanted anybody's sympathy because what words could anyone say that could possibly make it okay?
I know my story is not unique as I know alot of people have gone through it as well. Hell I personally know people who have gone through worse. But my story is more about people that do know what you have been through and still not getting the bigger picture.
I slipped into a depression after that. I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to talk to people, I sat and watched programmes about being pregnant and giving birth. I trolled websites trying to find answers and trying to understand other people's experiences of miscarriage. My faith was shook to its core. I mean just a few days before the miscarriage I was sitting in church praising the Lord for this blessing he had given me. I remember when the doctor was explaining to me what had happened I just couldn't understand. And just today someone was telling me it "has been so long already you need to move on."
Sometimes I wish it was as simple as that. I have tried a million times to push out of my head that I was pregnant but then there is always something or someone to remind of my loss.
For anyone that has ever experienced that kind of loss, I so understand. I empathize with you and I wish for you the same thing that I wish for myself. Hopefully one day it will not hurt as much and that people do not forget the struggle that you have been through or are still going through.
To the one that will never be these words are for you...
An Angel in the book of life
wrote down my baby's birth
and whispered as she closed the book
"too beautiful for earth"
XoXo T.
